Searching for fulfillment

"I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains,, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful." -James Kavanaugh

I think when I was looking at AmeriCorps programs to join this year, LVC stuck out to me because they cared not only about the work we were doing, but about our personal and spiritual development. Being in LVC this year has forced me to look at myself (sometimes in not such a pretty light) and how I view the world around me. I think living with total strangers is always an interesting way to not only getting to know others, but to re-acquaint yourself with…yourself. I have become totally conscious of the things that push my buttons. I have also tuned into the things I do that are probably really annoying (and not normal) to other people who haven’t known me for very long. In order to get ready for our retreat and in preparation to create our covenant we all took anenneagram test (if you haven’t done this…you should!) and it ended up describing me perfectly.

“Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over- extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied. “

This could not be any more accurate. I decide things on a whim and run with them. I would say that I end up following through on about 1 in 10 of every idea I come up with. I am always searching for the next adventure. Always trying to figure out what is going to change my life and challenge me into the me I want to be. I love LVC because it is forcing me to settle down for a year, look at who I am and what I value...and sit with those thoughts instead of running off to some new adventure when things get tough. I am truly appreciative of how humbling and satisfying the experiences I have had through my travels and LVC have been. They have shaped me into such a different person, and for that I am thankful, but I still long for more. “On a very deep level, Sevens do not feel that they can find what they really want in life.” I think my constant desire for adventures leave me questioning what I actually want next. I think this is a tension I have felt since high school and have never been able to express. One experience has been built on the back of the last, and the adventures just get more and more intense...but my thirst for life is never quenched. This is a tension I have been feeling at work everyday. Although, I love my residents, I’m not sure I feel totally fulfilled in what I am doing. I don’t feel I am doing enough…and I feel that there are so many other things I could be doing. My soul is longing for adventure yet also begging for something that makes me want to settle down. I want something worth sticking around for….and that just hasn’t happened yet. I was hoping that LVC would help me find what I really wanted in life, but in reality it has only opened about 10 more outlets for what to do next. While I am thankful for this…the confusion in my life is ridiculous.

With that being said…my heart has been leaning towards travelling for a while after my commitment to LVC is over. (staying in the US for more than a year without travelling just seems wrong to me) I have debated doing Young Adults in Global Mission (which is really similar to LVC …just abroad), going to India to do yoga, going back to Kenya, or travelling to Palestine. Right now I’m leaning towards Palestine simply because I think it gives me the chance to apply myself in a different way than when I was in East Africa. It’s a new culture full of new issues to grapple with. I recently watched a movie with a few of the other LVCers in the twin cities, which furthered my interest in the region….and it just feels like the next step. But who knows…I change my plans every couple weeks…so you never know. haha. Here is the link to the movie trailer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAhcuLGU6h0 I encourage everyone to check this movie out.

All and all things at the Imani house are good. We fell short on our green goal this past week...but we are working to get back on track. We are excited to have several house guests this weekend and for our retreat next weekend! Expect another blog about anti-racism and our covenant soon!

Love,

Maggie